Now.
America, you will be Omerised.
Like any American kid, Omer likes to hang out at the mall
where his posse all know him.
Omer, American Dreamz, baby!
Yo, Big O! I like your style.
O-mizzer! That's my dawg right there!
Keep it real, man! Remember that. Keep it real.
There may not be peace in the Middle East, but there is Middle East in this piece,
as we visit cantor Sholem Glickstein, recent Israeli immigrant.
I wish Omer luck.
I wish all of the contestants luck, because I'm coming for them.
Do you hear that?
Do you hear that? I am coming for you, bitches! I am coming for you!
Looks great.
Big day tomorrow, boss. You fired up?
Yes. I am fired up.
- Debra? - Yes.
Do you think I'm lovable?
Lovable?
Yeah. Yes, sure, very.
Frank?
I love you. That's all I know.
Okay, thanks. You can go.
Welcome! Welcome! Welcome back, America!
- Boo! Boo!
I'm Martin Tweed and I am so delighted to be back
with another exciting season of American Dreamz.
We have some amazing dreamers who are gonna perform for you tonight.
Some will triumph. Some will sink back into obscurity.
Only one will become America's newest sensation.
It's up to you, America.
Only you have the awesome power to lift someone up into the heavens
and create a new star.
And here are your dreamers!
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Come on, watch your step! Watch your step!
Go, go, go, go! Come on, get on up there!
Let's go! Go! Move it out! Move it!
I'd like to dedicate this song to a real American hero.
My boyfriend, William Williams.
He risked his life for our freedom, and that's a real American dream.
Mommy, don't drink
Me to bed tonight
What's gotten into
Your head tonight?
Did I make you mad?
Is that why you're sad?
And, Daddy, where have
You been all my life?
Mommy said that
You got a new wife
And there's nothing to do
But I know that's not true
And there's no one to hold me
Close when I cry
To rock me so gentle
Till the storm passes by
And I'm just a kid
But I know it ain't right
So, Mommy, don't drink
Me to bed tonight
Sally.
I think you're terrific.
In fact, I think you have star quality.
Thank you, Mr. Tweed.
Sally Kendoo.
Girl, let's not be friends
'Cause we've shared too much
Girl, you know that I'm yearning for your touch
'Cause I can't be less than your everything
'Cause I'll lay down and cry
I'll curl up and die
Don't let this be how my story ends
It's love or good-bye
So let's not be friends
I'm a rocking man
I'm a genuine rocking man
I'm a rock, rock, rock, rock, rock Rocking man!
I'm a rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock
I never felt
This way
Before
Girl, you know I want you I got a rocket launcher
So, baby, let's get raunchy tonight
Let's get raunchy tonight
I don't want to taunt you Or take you out and flaunt you
So, baby, let's get raunchy, all right
Let's get raunchy, baby
Sholem.
I only have two words for you.
Mazel tov!
No, you were wonderful. Really, wonderful.
Good news, Pauly. I don't want to be your friend.
In fact, you make me want to projectile vomit.
Bobby, I think my ears are actually bleeding. You are like a musical Ebola virus.
Cindy.
I'm afraid I have felt this way before.
And it was just before I tried to kill myself. Sorry, love.
Sorry.
I hate you!
Nice girl. Cindy.
Here he is.
Fantastic, Omer.
- Don't clap. - No, no, of course.
To dream
The impossible dream
To fight
The unbeatable foe
To bear
With unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go
What the hell is that? He looks like he stepped on a scorpion.
This is my quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far
To fight for the right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march into hell
For a heavenly cause
Go, Omer. Go.
To reach the unreachable star
You have been Omerised! Pah!
Omer,
that was strange.
Strange,
but rather wonderful.
I think I have been Omerised.
I think I might be Omer-sexual.
Oh, my God!
Yes!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Yes!
They came on boats From across the sea
From faraway places
And far distant lands
And still they come
To a place where they're free
They fly in on planes
With hope in their hands
Sometimes it feels
Like we're stuffed to the seams
But it's everyone's God-given right
To follow their dreams
My American dream
Will come true for me
My American dream
For all to see
Every woman and man
Has their own destiny
To dream American Dreamz
Dreamz with a Z
To dream American Dreamz
Dreamz with a Z
We began the show with 50 dreamers.
Now we're down to just three.
- Boo. Boo!
How are you doing?
You all right?
And the two finalists
will be revealed after this commercial break brought to you by American Motors,
introducing "The Tank," 50% larger than the next biggest SUV on the road,
because you need it.
And we're out! Come on, people. Hair and makeup, let's go, let's go.
All right. Give me some room over here, Travis.
Calm, calm, calm, calm. Thank you, thank you very much.
Here you go. And you're supposed to be drinking this.
- Must I? - Contractually, yes.
- Your envelope. - Thank you.
All right, let's wrap it up. Let's get it started.
Let's get the chairs out, let's go.
Get the lead out. Big smiles, everyone.
Big smiles. And we're back. Three, two.
Excuse me. Delicious. That's wildly refreshing.
And now, America, you have voted.
- Sholem Glickstein? - Yeah.
You are
not a winner.
This week's winners who will move on to the championship round
are Sally Kendoo and Omer Obeidi. And don't forget,
on next week's finale, special guest judge, the President.
Honey?
I have a confession to make.
I haven't been taking my happy pills.
Actually, I haven't been taking mine, either.
- But you don't seem sad. - Well, I guess I'm not.
At first, those happy pills really helped me a lot.
But, eventually, I think they were just kind of like placebos.
Placebos? Aren't they illegal?
No, Poopie. It means fake.
Well, yeah.
Well.
You know,
I guess I kind of feel like I'm a placebo.
I mean, I've had speech writers
writing for me all my career,
and advisors telling me what positions to take.
I can't even remember why I wanted to get into politics to begin with.
I think it's 'cause my mom wanted me to.
Show my dad any idiot could do it.
Maybe I ought to just chuck the whole thing. What do you think?
Starting with that American Dreamz deal.
Don't you say that.
Do you remember what I said the first time I met you?
Yeah.
"Hey, jerk-off, you spilled your beer on me."
After that.
When you went and got that towel
and borrowed that T-shirt from one of your frat brothers for me.
I said, "Now that there is a good guy."
And I still think so today.
So you just go on and be on that show.
And then, afterwards, we will tell Wally no more earplugs, okay?
Well, how am I gonna know what to say?
Well, we will think of it together.
Mmm-hmm.
Look at this! "Omer Mania!"
"America's newest mascot, adorable,
"Omer Obeidi has 'Omerised' the whole country."
It should have been me.
I mean, great, Omer! They love you!
Room service.
Hey, what are you gonna say when you meet the President?
Sorry?
"Sorry?" Omer, you crack me up.
Okay, we got two orders spicy tuna hand rolls,
a plate of fresh fruit and some chimichangas.
Oh, you guys go ahead and start eating. I...
I have to go talk to the waiter in private for a moment.
So.
You have become quite the famous man.
- You know why they vote for you? - Because they like me?
Because you are a figure of fun to them.
They see you prancing and singing and they can forget the terrors
they've inflicted on our lands with their soldiers and weapons.
It could be. Yes, I guess.
But I have to hand it to you.
You have put us in a wonderful position to strike them a crippling blow.
About that crippling blow.
I really don't know how I'm supposed to do it.
You see, really, there is a lot of security there.
All you have to do is get me and the rest of your brothers on the guest list
for the studio audience.
We will smuggle in the explosive device in pieces, assemble it there,
and then you must only retrieve it
in the toilet-seat-cover dispenser in the men's bathroom.
Then, when you meet the President
and shake his hand, live on television,
you will ignite the device.
And I will see you in paradise.
You will be killed, too?
Not yet. It's a pretty small bomb.
But I'll see you up there in a few years, I'm sure.
So, I'm just curious. How is this Martin Tweed in person?
Sally, Sally, Sally. I am so proud of you.
I always knew you had a great voice and now the whole world knows it, too.
William, no, no. I have not won yet. Everybody seems to be forgetting that.
You know, folks, they love that Middle Eastern guy.
They love you more.
They love us more. You know how many hits we got on our website last night?
Sixteen million.
- Congratulations. - Thank you.
God, William. You make me feel bad. Why do you care so much about me?
Why?
Because, honey, you are my dream girl.
Yuck.
I can't stand looking at those damn French fries anymore.
Just cover them up or something.
Sally Kendoo, I love you.
Okay? I love you.
I love how you binge eat and then starve yourself.
I love how pretty you sing, whether it's in the shower
or in front of millions of TV viewers.
I look at you and I see that same girl that I fell in love with in high school.
And I'd like to know, right here and now,
if you'd help to make my dream come true and marry me?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my Lord.
Hold it right there! Nobody move.
- Chet, what are you doing? - I'm calling the camera crew.
No, you're not. Put the phone down, Chet.
- Chet, put the phone down right now! - Chet, put the phone down!
What, are you kidding me? This is great stuff.
- And, William, stand up, please. - But...
Stand up.
Now, please understand. I am so touched by your proposal
and the sweet things that you just said to me, but...
Right now is a really bad time.
Do it on the show!
- On the show? - Absolutely.
That's a great idea.
- Really? Yes.
And do that thing about how every time you look at her
you see the same girl you fell in love with in high school.
- What, you were listening? - I'm in the other room, man, so, yes.
And you. Hey, you! Are you still into winning this thing?
Because this is what we in the biz call "incredible television."
People are going to be in their living rooms, sobbing.
Then they're gonna be crawling over each other
trying to get to the phone so they can call up and vote for you!
Well, I'm up for it if you are, Sally.
Yes! This guy!
We are gonna get into this with the producers.
Can I see that ring for a second?
Wow, that's great.
We're gonna get a bigger one so that it plays on TV,
but there is nothing wrong with that ring.
Now, here's what I'm thinking, okay?
It's gonna be a special built around the wedding.
- Do you sing at all, William? - I can sing a little bit.
I thought you could sing a little bit.
I think we're gonna call it "Sally and William, sealed with a kiss."
- What do you think about that? - I love that.
Yeah, I think everyone's gonna love that.
Hey, Omer?
Can I buy you a beer?
Oh, no, no, no, no. I do not drink. But thank you.
Hey, do you ever wonder why you're doing this whole competition thing for?
Only every day.
But then I think of my mother.
She loved all types of singing.
It keeps me going on.
When I was 10 years old,
I weighed 200 pounds.
- That is large. - Yeah.
And I told myself I would lose 90 pounds by the time I turned 14 or I would kill myself.
So I lost the weight.
And...
I suddenly was really popular.
I had a whole new group of friends. I had this cute boyfriend.
Even my teachers liked me better.
And my mom and I walked around the entire house
collecting all the pictures of me when I was fat and burned them.
I love my mom.
So.
Good luck tomorrow.
Thank you.
Sorry I'm gonna have to destroy you.
Here is your chewing gum.
Remember, no blowing bubbles.
Is this really necessary?
Just a little bit higher. Oh, that's good.
Yeah, that's beautiful. Give me a little bit more in here.
Take my moustache down a little bit, too.
My cousin's gonna be in the finale.
- William? - Yeah, yeah.
Okay. Omer's gonna go on first.
Then after Sally is done, we're gonna hit you with a spotlight.
Then you're gonna go onstage and do your proposal.
- Got it? - Got it.
- All right. - It's happening.
She's very excited.
It's a joyful moment. Joyful.
- Hi, Tweedy. - Hi, Sally.
Just wanted to say good luck tonight.
Thank you.
Could you just give us a quick second, please?
- Sure, no problem. - Thank you.
So.
I think you're going to win.
Novelty contestants never win the whole thing.
- That's why I've been helping him along. - Thank you.
Hey, is something wrong?
No.
I mean, nothing beyond the usual creeping dread.
All right. Well. I'm sure you know at this point
that William is supposed to propose to me on tonight's show.
Yeah.
Do you think it's bad of me to accept a proposal from a man I don't love
in order to manipulate people into voting for me?
"Bad." Such a nebulous word, isn't it?
You know what I think? I think everyone wants something.
William wants you.
Why? Because he has this idea in his head of what you are.
I don't think he cares if it's true or not, just so long as he keeps his fantasy alive.
So I think he deserves what he gets.
- He deserves to be miserable? - Why not?
You are, aren't you?
Despite your newfound fame and adulation?
Tweedy,
I sometimes feel like you're the only person in the whole world who really gets me.
Yeah.
Sometimes I look at you and I see my own reflection.
It's revolting.
And attractive.
Martin,
I'm not physically attracted to other people, but if you want me,
I'm yours.
The problem is I find that whenever I become intimately involved
with a woman I admire,
it rapidly degenerates into mutual loathing.
I don't want that to happen to us.
Having said that...
Omer, are you okay?
Great. Great. Just a little nervous, I guess.
- I just feel confused. - About what?
About this country.
You know, there are so many nice people here,
but it does so much harm in the world.
So?
So, to what degree is this country culpable for its actions?
Are Americans to blame for America? And beyond that,
can causing someone else to suffer ever truly ease one's own suffering?
Omer! You're wigging out. That bitch deserves to suffer!
What bitch?
Sally! Who are you talking about?
15 minutes, Omer.
Well, see, I think the dress works 'cause it flows nice.
The dress is gonna be a hit.
Hey, I'm gonna go run lines with Sally.
- Well, don't be long. - Okay.
Yeah.
Mr. President, it's such an honor to have you here.
Happy to be here.
"Press here to explode yourself."
Where's Martin? Where the hell is Martin? Has anybody seen Martin?
- He's in there. - What the hell is he doing in there?
- What are you doing? - This isn't pretty.
What?
- That's Sally and Mr. Tweed? - Yep.
- Are you seeing anybody? - What?
It looks so much bigger on TV.
Hey, watch my foot, huh?
- So, do you feel filthy? - Not really.
How do you feel?
It's weird.
- I don't actually loathe you. - You, either.
Right. The President here yet?
Yeah! How you doing, everybody?
How many Omer fans do I have with me tonight?
Yeah!
And how many Sally fans do I have? She can hear you in the back!
And now your host, Martin Tweed!
That's Martin Tweed.
You're looking very good, sir. Very good.
Welcome, America.
Welcome, world. Welcome, everyone else.
- Boo! Boo!
We've been through so much together.
We've laughed. We've cried. We've formed attachments.
And now, we're down to just two.
And to help me help you judge tonight,
we're welcoming a very special guest.
The President of this great country,
President Joseph Staton!
Thanks for having me on your show.
So.
What do you think of these two great contestants, Mr. President?
I think they exhibit what's best about America.
- The spirit of resolve... - The spirit of resolve
that makes this the greatest country in the world.
They know what they want...
They know what they want and they go out and get it.
All right.
- I'll be right back! - Omer! Where are you going?
Where's that interference coming from?
Turn that frigging thing off!
And turn that frigging thing off!
Oh!
Okay. Okay.
America, Mr. President,
without further ado, let me introduce America's favorite Middle Eastern import,
Omer Obeidi!
Where the hell is he?
- I don't know where he is... - I'm going on!
Go, Omer!
My wife loves this guy.
And now the end is near
That's a bad call. That's Frank's song. People aren't gonna respond to that.
Bold choice of song.
My friends
I'll say it clear
I'll state my case
Of which I'm certain
I've lived a life that's full
I've traveled each
And every highway
But more, much more than this
I did it
My way
I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fill
Mr. President, what are you doing?
My share of losing
I'm getting a lot of feedback in this thing.
And now, as tears subside
I find it all
So amusing
To think
I did all that
And may I say
Not in a shy way
Oh, no
Oh, no, not me
I did it
My way
For what is a man?
What has he got?
If not himself
then he has naught
William Williams, you're a moron.
A moron. You stupid moron! Stupid moron!
And not the words
Of one who kneels
The record shows
I took the blows
And did it
My way
I love you, Mom.
He nailed it!
That's my cousin!
We're gonna stand up.
Omer, meet the President.
Nice to meet you, sir.
He's talking to him.
What'd you think of Omer tonight, Mr. President?
What did I think?
Mr. President?
What did I think?
Mr. President? Can you read me?
I think
I liked you.
Thank you, sir.
Go ahead.
Do it!
And I just want to say,
in terms of the Middle East,
that it looks like the problems over there are never going to be solved.
What?
I mean never.
Never, never, never, never, never.
And so,
I'm sorry about that.
What the hell was that? I never said that!
Oh, Poopie.
Mr. President?
I deeply hope,
for all of our sakes,
that you are wrong.
I hope so, too.
Nice singing.
Well...
On a brighter note,
we'll be back after a short break with the enchanting Sally Kendoo.
And then you all will decide who is the winner of American Dreamz.
That's it! Show is over!
What are you talking about? There's another contestant.
Sorry, I'm taking my guy out!
Your guy, your guy just went way off reservation!
Talk about depressing. Half the audience want to shoot themselves!
And you, sir, are no Oprah!
I'd kind of like to see how Sally does.
All right, you. Where is the you-know-what?
And we're back in three, two.
Get off the stage! Get off the stage!
We're back!
And now all the way from Padookie, Ohio,
America's newest sweetheart, Sally Kendoo!
Where the hell is William? He's supposed to be up here.
I would like to dedicate this song to someone very special in the audience,
my boyfriend.
William Williams!
What? No!
No, he's supposed to propose after she sings!
- He's an idiot! - Yeah.
Excuse me a moment. This moron's missed his cue.
Let's all welcome Sally's sweetheart.
Decorated war veteran, William Williams!
I think, perhaps, William has something he wants to ask Sally.
Sally?
Yes, William?
How could you do this to me?
How could I do what to you?
How could you sleep with Mr. Tweed?
Whoa!
- Boo! Boo!
I'm serious.
Well, seriously, William,
I think it's common knowledge I would never ever, ever, ever
sleep with a contestant on American Dreamz.
I saw you through the keyhole.
He nailed her?
I guess you two think I'm stupid.
I guess you all think I'm stupid.
Well, I'll show you how stupid I am.
I'm going to blow myself up with this bomb I found.
William, don't joke around about something like that.
Oh, I am not joking!
What the fuck?
Great idea! On-air proposal, Chet Krogl!
Keep rolling! Keep rolling!
Get back to your camera! Get back to your camera!
Come back! Come back!
Get back to that camera!
Oh, no.
Mr. Williams?
Mr. Williams, do not do this. It is not worth it.
Your death will not solve any problems.
It'll solve the problem of me feeling miserable.
William? I'm the President.
I know who you are, sir.
Now, as your Commander in Chief,
I'm gonna have to ask you not to blow yourself up.
Now, I've had dark days myself, William.
Days where I just wanted to lie in bed and dream.
Never get up.
But I have come to think
that it is better to deal with reality,
no matter how unpleasant it is.
That's my guy.
No disrespect, sir.
But if I can't have Sally Kendoo then I don't want to go on living.
William, wait...
Stay there! Stay there!
My American dream
Will come true for me
My American dream
For all to see
William! In here.
Every woman and man
Has their own destiny
To dream American Dreamz
Dreamz with a Z
To dream American Dreamz
Dreamz with a Z
To dream American Dreamz
Dreamz with a Z
What happened?
Yes! Yes! Yes!
You won this thing. You won it.
Where are you going?
Listen, those three gentlemen right there. They were the ones with the bombs.
You see? Back there, those three. They were the ones with the bomb.
Go!
Mr. President! Stop! Stop!
All right, everyone, please. Please, shut up.
It's starting.
Last season's finale was the highest-rated show in television history,
as my boyfriend, William Williams,
suffering from hallucinations caused by posttraumatic stress
tragically lost his life.
There was a silver lining, though,
as he was voted the surprise winner of American Dreamz.
I know he would have been so thrilled.
Fellow runner-up, Omer Obeidi,
has been touring the country with a repertory of Broadway hits.
Go, Greased Lightning You're burning up the quarter mile
Greased Lighting Go, Greased Lighting
Stop! Stop! Stop!
This isn't a hoedown!
Special guest judge, President Staton,
recently returned from a Mid-East fact-finding tour
with his new Chief of Staff.
You choose first, Poopie.
I guess I'll go for the newspapers first.
You take the intelligence reports and summit briefing and then we'll switch.
And I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
Welcome!
Welcome back to another season of American Dreamz.
I am so excited to be your new host, it's such a dream come true for me.
And I'd like to dedicate this season to someone who was very special to us all.
The great Mr. Martin Tweed.
We will miss you so very much.
But now, on to an exciting new season!
And here are your dreamers!